Ten

1 decade. 10 years. 120 months. 520 weeks. 3650 days.

Far, far away

I hate Mother's Day.

There, I've said it.

I HATE it.  And no, it's not because I haven't been able to become a mother either through childbirth or adoption.  It is because my mother hates me.

I'm not being dramatic.  She really does.  She proved it last year with a package she sent me right before my birthday.

I love my mom.
I miss her.  Every day.
I think about her.  Every day.
I pray for her.  Almost every day.

I hope she is safe.
I hope she is healthy.
I hope she is warm when it is cold outside and she is able to stay cool during the heat of summer.
I hope she is not lonely.
I hope she is happy.

I used to hope she would one day be part of my life but over the past year I have had to give up on that hope.  I have a lot of "hopes" in my life but that one is dead.

The hope is gone but the ache and pain remain.  An every day reminder of what will never be.

My heart hurts every single day when I think about my mom and I so wish I could put her out of my mind but the thoughts persist.  Every day.

Over the past six years, certain members of my family relatives of mine have shown a complete lack of character and disregard for me.  Over and over again.  And over the past year, the actions of a few of them have shown me their TRUE character and I am pretty disgusted with what I saw.

I want nothing to do with them.  Nothing.

I feel God telling me that it is time to move away.  Away from the people who don't care about me.  Away from the rumors.  Away from the gossip.  Away from the threats.

So the husband and I have been talking about moving out of state.  I've lived in Oregon my entire life but except for my father and step mother, I really feel there is nothing here for me any longer.

I know that moving away will not cure the pain.  It will not repair the relationship with my mother.  It will not change the relationship I have with any of my relatives.  But for some reason, I feel that it may hurt just a little less if I know that I am at least a day's drive if not an airplane trip away from them instead of the 45 minute-2 hour drive that I am from most of them now.  I certainly wouldn't see them any less than I do now.

So I want to fly.  Far, far away.  With my husband, and my dogs, and my cats.  Just us.  No rumors.  No gossip.  No snide comments.  No threats.  Just us.  Gone.  Far, far away.

Of course there is a whole other side to this and that is my husband's family, most of whom are wonderful.  We would miss them dearly so that is indeed a complication and is something my husband will have to be alright with before we go anywhere.

But for now I can dream of a place, far, far away.  And maybe, just maybe, Mother's Day won't hurt so bad.

~kate

An interesting observation

Recently I've observed something interesting and it has been bopping around the blog section of my brain as something that might make a good blog post.

Unfortunately, I don't really have a long, detailed discussion of it that could turn into a great essay-like blog post. But rather it is just a concise observation with a few related thoughts thrown in.

I do not have any children so therefore I get to sit back and observe others who do. AND I get to judge them and their parenting skills. After all, they are raising the future adults that will possibly share my community or otherwise influence my life and/or future. So even though we are told repeatedly not to judge people, I choose to go against the grain and I do place judgment upon parents.

Thanks to Facebook, I now get tiny little glimpses into the lives of those who dare to be on my friends list. With their status updates and comments to others, I now get a near constant newsreel of the goings on of people whom before Facebook I would have no clue about.

So, getting back to what I originally started this post about... recently I've noticed something....

There is a direct correlation among parents, particularly mothers, of those who complain about their kids and those who do not and their religious practices and political leanings.

Overwhelmingly, those who complain about their kids and question whether they should have even had children, do not appear to have much of a relationship with Christ and are decidedly liberal in their political views. On the flip side, of my friends who identify as conservative and belong (and regularly attend!) a church, I never see them complain about their kids or their job as a parent.

The conservatives praise and support their kids, almost to the point of gushing. But the general feeling I get from them is that they enjoy parenting, get much satisfaction from it, and overall feel blessed to have their children in their lives.

The liberals on the other hand, complain so much about their kids that I am often left with the thought "why did they even have kids if they are so awful?" Some of them even post that if they had to do it over again, they either would not have had kids or would have had fewer.

Good grief. They post that on the internet! And it's not just a single post after a particularly bad day. We all have those. No, this is a regular theme with them. I see very little praise of their kids but much bitching and complaining.

Hmmmmm since anything you put on the Internet is pretty much permanent, I can only hope that their kids don't someday come across these posts from their mother. Can you imagine the emotional damage that could do?

For myself, I have felt my entire life that my mother never approved of me and nothing that I did was ever good enough. That alone has caused me a lot of heartache over the years. But I never for a moment ever doubted that she wanted me or felt that she regretted having me. Good Lord, the complete emotional cripple I would surely be had I ever some across something she had written whereby she complained frequently about me and being my mother.

Now none of this is meant as a blanket statement. I can think of several people right now who do not fit into this mold... but I can also think of quite a few who fit right into this....

So I leave you with this.... If you have kids, ENJOY them and support them. Their little egos are fragile and you are helping to develop the person they will be more than you think. And if you don't have kids but think you may in the future, PLEASE give it some thought first and be sure that you will be a supportive, nurturing parent and not one who acts like they resent their kids' existence. Those of us who cannot have children are relying on you to produce emotionally healthy people that we may someday share a community with.

~kate


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Reading the Presidents

So I'm a big reader.  And I've switched to only Kindle books.  I always read 4 or 5 books at the same time so switching to the e-book format is so much better for me as now everywhere I go, I already have all my books with me.

I love memoirs but also have some fiction writers who are favorites of mine.  So I'm usually reading one memoir, one non-fiction and two or three fiction books at the same time.

One of the books I am reading right now is Decision Points by George W. Bush.  I'm taking my time reading it as I am absorbing it.  It is an absolutely FABULOUS book.  I recommend for everyone to read it, no matter what your political views are.  I guarantee that the chapter about 9/11 where he takes you through it from his perspective is something I will re-read at least once a year.

Since reading this book, I've decided to make it a personal goal of mine to read a book either by or about every one of our presidents.  Yes, even the current one...  I don't plan to do it in any particular order but will probably do it in a close chronological order.

I've recently started on Washington with The Life of George Washington by John Marshall.  The $.89 Kindle price is awesome!

So do any of you want to join me in this path?  I would love to have some people to come along with me to discuss the books with....

~kate

The state of leadership in Portland summed up in one small news article...

So I came across this short piece on KATU's site last night and it just really struck me how it just summed up the whole state of lousy leadership in Portland right now.

So, summed up, this could be the letter the citizens received from the City:

Dear Citizen:
Enclosed is a bill for a public service we provided that we never told you we would be charging you extra for. But if you don't want to pay it, that's ok.

We will just raise your taxes that much more next year, er, we mean we will absorb the costs for you.

Be sure to re-elect all of us next chance you get so we can continue to screw you over, er, we mean provide the fine leadership you've come accustomed to.

Mayor's Office, Portland, OR

Drive a Liberal crazy.....Vote!

Want to drive a Liberal crazy?  I know... it's not hard to do. Yes, there is the usual steps of laying the facts on them.  That alone is usually enough to raise their blood pressure to a dangerous level.  But if you really, really want to drive them nuts then do this:

Simply remind them that YOUR vote has just much weight as their vote.  Regardless of income, education level, what blogs you follow, who your friends are, the intials after your name, the lack of initials after your name, the degrees on your wall, the lack of degrees on your wall, the size of your house, the numbers on your paycheck, the balance in your bank account, what party you belong to, what groups you belong to, the color of your skin, what your sexual preference is, what religion you belong to, the town you live in, the car you drive, and yes, even your carbon footprint. 

NONE of it matters.

one person = one vote.

So let them act smug and elitist.  Let them talk down to you and treat you as if you're just an ignorant redneck.  It doesn't matter.  Because even if you fit right into that Ignorant Redneck sterotype, their vote does not count more than your vote.

Just be sure to vote!

And after the election, Oregon voters can use the link below to check that their ballot was received and processed:

ORESTAR

 ~kate

Hey Susan - are you going to sue me too?

Out in Yamhill County there is a heated race for State Representative between incumbent Jim Weidner and Susan Sokol Blosser.  Yes, from that wine family.  This week, the final week before the election, Blosser has filed a libel lawsuit against Weidner for what his ad below says:



It seems that Ms. Blosser has issue with statements from Weidner's supporters about her hiring illegal aliens and paying them "under the table."

That would appear to be quite inflammatory except for the fact that Blosser herself admitted to those actions in her own words in the book she wrote At Home in the Vineyard: Cultivating a Winery, an Industry, and a Life.

As shown on NW Republican, on page 66 of Blosser's book, she writes:

"There was no federal program allowing foreign farm workers, but that didn't stop them from coming or us from hiring them. There was always an abundance of Mexican farm workers in our area, and we were lucky to have them. It was generally known that most of the workers entered the country illegally...the black market must have been huge. The whole situation existed under the table. Everyone knew about it; nobody talked about it."

So that's the latest dirty campaigning that Democrat Blosser has engaged in against Republican Weidner.

So, Susan, are you going to sue me too? And is the IRS and Oregon Department of Revenue aware of your admitted criminal tax evasion?


~kate

Armageddon is coming for the Democrats and their precious unions

Fascinating piece about the "Armageddon" that is on the horizon for the Democrats and their precious Unions:

Armageddon: What Democrats Are Hiding & Why They Are Really Scared

 As I've said before.... abolish the unions!  They are destroying our country.

~kate

close-minded and cold-hearted

No matter how old I get, I will never understand the people who judge others without even attempting to hear their side of the story or to even get to know them.

To the person on my Facebook friends list who prefers to completely ignore my existence except to talk down to me in a condescending and elitist tone:  You really are a very sad person.

I know it's different in your world, but in my world, I don't care what degrees a person has, what initials are after their name, what neighborhood they live in, how much they paid for their house, or the amount on their paycheck.  For the people in my life, I only care what is in their heart.  And from what I have seen, you have a lot of bitterness in your heart.

~kate

The art of forgiveness

As Christians, we are taught about forgiveness.  The bible shows us that we need to forgive transgressions against us and also that God will forgive us for our sins.

The concept of forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately and with today being the 9th anniversary of the 9/11 Attack, I find myself reflecting on it once again.

My Facebook page is filled with posts from friends about today's anniversary.  Most of the posts say essentially the same thing:  We will never forget.  We thank those who serve to keep us safe.  We pray for those who were killed and their families left behind.  We thank and pray for those lost in battle against our enemies.

I agree with all of those sentiments but I have not forgiven them.  When I think about the 9/11 attack, even 9 years later, my blood still boils and I still want revenge.  It doesn't consume me day in and day out, but it is the first feeling I experience when I think about that day.

God tells me I need to forgive.  He tells me that we are all His children and He loves us.  But to be honest, I have a lot of trouble seeing those who seek to kill innocent people all in the name of religion as belonging in His kingdom.  Keeping with the blatant honesty, I big part of me questions whether those who believe in the doctrines of extremist Islam are truly children of God or if instead they were sent here from Satan.

I don't know the truth.  Do you?

I do believe that the vast majority of those who practice Islam are part of God's kingdom.  I've known several Muslim people and they are a peaceful people and do not agree with the extremist ways.  So please don't think my statements above mean that I don't like Muslims.  To me, those who practice Islam and those who believe in the extremist Islam rhetoric are worlds away from each other.

But back to forgiveness.  Forgive thy enemies.  Enemies.

This issue also has arisen in my personal life.  A few months ago I was grossly and publicly attacked by my nephew.  He did so completely unprovoked.  I've never said a cross word to him nor ever argued with him.  In fact, I've had very little contact with him in the past 20 years (not my choice).  I knew him well from the day he was born until he was approximately 6 years old.  He was a good baby, an adorable toddler and the sweetest little boy ever.  I loved to get him giggling as he had the most infectious laugh I'd ever heard.  I can still hear it in my head to this day.

But unfortunately that sweet little boy has apparently grown into a very angry and bitter young man.  He has obviously evolved into someone who can attack a relative without provocation and without remorse.  He threatened my husband's life and he put a lot of fear into mine.  Because I know he runs in a dangerous world of drugs and guns, I no longer feel safe in my own home when I'm home alone.  I've never felt this way before.  And I never would have thought that a family member would ever be the cause to make me feel this way.  And never in a million years would I have thought that sweet little boy would grow up to be that family member.

My dad has gotten involved in the situation by speaking with my brother (my nephew's father) and has told me that my brother agrees that his son owes me a big apology.  But no apology has come nor any word to me from my brother.  This tells me that he doesn't really condemn what his son has done and possibly even agrees with his actions.  My dad has spoken to me about reaching out to my brother to "help start the healing."

And this is where I get stuck.  God tells me I should do this but yet day after day go by and I don't pick up that phone.

The past six years I've put up with a LOT of crap from some of my so-called family members, all over an issue that they only knew one side of.  Those in the family who bothered to ask me my side of the issue all support me and do not judge.  Those who have not asked for my side all judge me and treat me with contempt.  I've put up with it for 6 years and kept my mouth shut for the sake of "keeping the peace."  I had gotten to the point where I would have extreme anxiety in the days leading up to a family gathering and the day of I had to take Xanax just to keep it together and manage to show up with a semi-smile on my face.

But after the attack from my nephew I put my foot down and said NO MORE.  I will not attend any more gatherings and be treated like shit.  I don't deserve it and I won't subject myself to it.  And all of a sudden I felt FREE.  Gone is that burden.  Gone is the dread of the next family event.  I don't dread it because I won't be there.  I have other family I'm related to, family I married in to and many friends to fill my life.  I don't need their brand of "togetherness."

So when my Dad speaks to me about "healing" when no amends have been made towards me, I just can't do it.  Not now.  I don't have forgiveness in my heart for him or the others.  Not without apology and remorse from them.

God, I know you want me to be able to do it, but I just can't.  Not right now.

~kate

Take a swig

I'm approaching 40 years old and for the past few years I've thought often about the things I have not yet done in my life.  The list is long.

One thing is get a tattoo.  I'm working on that one.  It took me 3-4 years to figure out what I want and now that I know, I just have to get in there and get it done.

I've never had sushi.  I would like to complete that one soon but need to go with one of my friends who is a connoisseur of sushi and knows what the hell to order.

Another one is that I had never taken a swig of hard alcohol straight from the bottle.  Sure, I've had mixed drinks and I've drunk hard alcohol straight but always from a glass.  I had never just picked up a bottle and taken a good healthy drink.

I'm not a big drinker and generally in a year I'll have less than 6 beers, 3 or 4 glasses of wine and maybe 5 or 6 mixed drinks.  Almost always any drinking I do is at an event with friends or at a restaurant with my husband.  I never just drink at home.

Many times I've seen on tv or in a movie where a character just drinks straight from a bottle of whiskey, vodka, etc.  And I've thought to myself, "self, you've never done that!"

Well I have now.

So the other night I was home alone.  It was getting on towards 11pm and I had just finished up working for the night and was closing up the house and getting ready for bed.  I walked through the kitchen and for some reason thought about my un-done alcohol swigging.  So I opened up our well-stocked liquor cabinet.  Right in front was a bottle of Citron.  I looked through the cabinet at the other bottles and decided, "what the hell, vodka is a good as any of the others."

So I opened the bottle, sniffed the contents and then took a big swig from it.

My lips and my tongue went numb.

But hey, one more thing off my list.

~kate

Silent no more

No, the title of this post does not refer to a political rant (although it does fit my political philosophy).

Instead it refers to my family.  Over the years I've been accused, indicted and convicted of various offenses in their eyes and never once was asked for my side of the story.  Mind you, the other side of the story they got from a bitter, alcoholic/drug addict.

Now to claify, when I refer to my "family" and "they," I am not referring to my relatives as a whole.  Many of them are great people whom I love dearly.  But there are a few who like to ruin it for the rest of us.

My family does not like to talk about issues.  There have been countless bad things said, rotten things done, resentments that have built, gossip behind others' backs and blatant lies told over the years.  And every single time it was swept under the rug and treated as if nothing happened.  Never once was it discussed out in the open where all persons could share their side and their feelings.

No, instead, at family functions, we talk about the weather and dead people (relatives and friends who have passed on).  Some members of the family drink to excess to cope, others leave at the first opportunity, some of the smart ones don't show up and I've learned to take a Xanax before any family function the past few years.

My father and my brother HATE conflict.  So we dont' have conflict.  Period.  I am 39 years old and every time there has been a conflict I have wanted dealt with, I have been told to SHUT UP to keep the "peace."

This week it happened once again.

Well, you know what?  I'm done.  I'm no longer going to keep quiet so that those people don't have to deal with the giant elephant that stands in the middle of every room my family gathers in.  I'm sick and tired of it.

I married into a large Italian family.  Italians are a loud, passionate people.  My husband's family loves each other fiercely and they fight with each other fiercely.  But you know what?  There's nothing "unsaid" when they get together.  Instead, it's REAL people sharing time together with the good, the bad and the ugly.

My family gatherings are milk toast in comparison.

In my husband's family, they are there for each other, in each other's lives and they give a damn what happens to each other.  Not in mine.  We come together once or twice a year, a bunch of related strangers and we share a meal and few forced hours of pleasantries.  Gag.

I've thought frequently over the past few years of getting my feelings out there in written form.  My written form of choice is blogging which of course puts it out on the Internet for all to see.  That fact has stopped me.  Until now.  I feel a pull to start blogging about all of this and the shit that has gone down.  Right now, though, I'm now sure if I will keep it here on this blog or move it to my private, confidential blog.  We will see.

I love both my brother and my father dearly and they are not the ones who treat me like I'm a pariah.  But they are some of the ones who want me to just shut up and take it.  Again, I love both of you, but for my own mental and physical health, I can no longer remain silent.

More of the story to come (probably...) but right now I'm going to so see a movie with the best husband in the whole wide world.  It's hot today and the movie theater is air conditioned.  Then later tonight we will go down to the festival that's going on in our small town and share some carnival junk food and a great fireworks show with a large gathering of our good friends.  And not a single person that I'm physically related to will be there.  :)

~kate

Nasty campaigning

I have previously written about the local campaign race for US Congress District 1.  Currently our Rep is David Wu and he's just a complete do-nothing disaster.  On the Republican side, three men are running to replace him:  Doug Keller, Rob Cornilles and John Kuzmanich.  After meeting all three men, hearing them debate and meeting them in person, my support is behind Rob Cornilles.  I wrote about my reasons in a previous post.

Now that we are at the end of the primary race with a winner to be announced in less than 48 hours, I've noticed some recent nasty campaigning going on by Kuzmanich's supporters.  The nasty campaigning I am referring to is not coming from Kuz's campaign staffers, but rather from some of his supporters.  Specifically, in the form of a few political cartoons that make Kuz look like a winner and Cornilles look like a RINO. This is fine.  Kuz can't control that.  But what has dismayed me and further cemented my support for Cornilles is that Kuz has openly laughed at the nasty cartoons and shows his obvious approval of them.

Here is the first cartoon:

It was added by Kelly Hodsdon. 

I commented on the cartoon and how I see it as nasty campaigning and that Kuz's obvious support of it further supports my choice not to vote for him.  I was told that I was "absurd."  Really Kelly.  How mature of you.

A few days later another cartoon was posted by Kelly:

with this caption underneath it:

Got news for you Kelly, name calling whether with words or pictures is still name-calling. 

I consider name-calling nasty campaigning.  Period.  And I will not support a candidate that tolerates that in a primary election.


I was turned off by Kuz when during a debate with Keller and Cornilles, Kuz treated Cornilles with disrespect and disdain.  He also dismissed me when I was introduced to him.  And this was BEFORE I publicly said anything about who I was supporting.  I was introduced to him at the debate I attended and he treated me as if I was wasting his time.  I suppose I'm too "common" for him.

If Kuz wins the primary, I will support him in the general election but I will be watching his words and actions carefully and will call him out if I see nasty campaigning.  We aren't in middle school anymore.  Grow up.

~kate

Mother's Day

Due to my marriage and the divorce and remarriages of our parents I have 4 mothers. I love all of them. Three of them love me.

I hate Mother's Day. I have my reasons.

Love the women, hate the day.

~kate

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

"I can see November from my house."

"I can see November from my house." - Kristina Ribali




~kate
not violent. not racist. just no longer silent.

Censorship and a Death Wish

I have many friends on Facebook (currently 447).  Some lean left, some lean right, some stay in the middle and some don't give a damn either way.  Recently I've seen some of my friends join a certain Group and Fan Page on Facebook.  Generally, it's the Left-leaners joining the Group and the Right-leaners joining the Fan Page.  I refuse to join either one.

The Fan Page in question is this one:

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN

I see this page as a wish for Obama's death.  Ok, now I admit that I don't like the guy and I think he is an extreme danger to the US but like it or not, he's our President.  I'm a Christian and it is not within my values to wish someone dead.  Yes, perhaps I'm taking the meaning behind this page a bit too literally but I just will not agree to "Like" something like this.

The Group in question is this one:

Petition to remove Facebook group praying for President Obama's death

I don't know what specific "group" this Group is referring to but either way I don't agree with it.  This is censorship and that's a dangerous slope to start down.  Whatever "group" this group is referring to that is praying for Obama's death... well I wouldn't join that group as it is against my values (see previous bit about the Fan Page above) but this is still a free country and it is their right to put up such a group if they wish to.  And it is my right to choose not to join it.

Facebook is a private company so should they choose to act on this "petition" and do remove the other "group" that is referenced, that is their right to do so.  But I would still consider it censorship and I am not in agreement with that.

Our country is very divided right now and I will not take part in any action that is praying for or wishing for Obama's death.  Nor will I take part in any action that is condoning censorship, on either side of the aisle.

~kate
not violent. not racist. just no longer silent.

Where are the riots?

Had this happened during the Bush years, there would have been violent riots in the streets.

Hypocrites.

~kate

Excellent Piece from the WSJ

I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh's show. I agree with his content but don't particularly like his delivery. He's too bit much of a blowhard for me. But the opt-ed piece he wrote for the WSJ is spot-on!

Liberals and the Violence Card

I can personally relate to Rush's words as recently many of my peaceful, freedom-loving friends have been accused by the Left of being violent simply because we do not agree with how our government is destroying our country. And there has been NO violence. I know. I was there.

~kate

Keep it up Barack...

Obama's approval ratings down yet again....

No Obamacare for Obama - Washington Times

The hypocrisy of the Left is never ending....


EDITORIAL: No Obamacare for Obama - Washington Times