Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Take a swig

I'm approaching 40 years old and for the past few years I've thought often about the things I have not yet done in my life.  The list is long.

One thing is get a tattoo.  I'm working on that one.  It took me 3-4 years to figure out what I want and now that I know, I just have to get in there and get it done.

I've never had sushi.  I would like to complete that one soon but need to go with one of my friends who is a connoisseur of sushi and knows what the hell to order.

Another one is that I had never taken a swig of hard alcohol straight from the bottle.  Sure, I've had mixed drinks and I've drunk hard alcohol straight but always from a glass.  I had never just picked up a bottle and taken a good healthy drink.

I'm not a big drinker and generally in a year I'll have less than 6 beers, 3 or 4 glasses of wine and maybe 5 or 6 mixed drinks.  Almost always any drinking I do is at an event with friends or at a restaurant with my husband.  I never just drink at home.

Many times I've seen on tv or in a movie where a character just drinks straight from a bottle of whiskey, vodka, etc.  And I've thought to myself, "self, you've never done that!"

Well I have now.

So the other night I was home alone.  It was getting on towards 11pm and I had just finished up working for the night and was closing up the house and getting ready for bed.  I walked through the kitchen and for some reason thought about my un-done alcohol swigging.  So I opened up our well-stocked liquor cabinet.  Right in front was a bottle of Citron.  I looked through the cabinet at the other bottles and decided, "what the hell, vodka is a good as any of the others."

So I opened the bottle, sniffed the contents and then took a big swig from it.

My lips and my tongue went numb.

But hey, one more thing off my list.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Silent no more

No, the title of this post does not refer to a political rant (although it does fit my political philosophy).

Instead it refers to my family.  Over the years I've been accused, indicted and convicted of various offenses in their eyes and never once was asked for my side of the story.  Mind you, the other side of the story they got from a bitter, alcoholic/drug addict.

Now to claify, when I refer to my "family" and "they," I am not referring to my relatives as a whole.  Many of them are great people whom I love dearly.  But there are a few who like to ruin it for the rest of us.

My family does not like to talk about issues.  There have been countless bad things said, rotten things done, resentments that have built, gossip behind others' backs and blatant lies told over the years.  And every single time it was swept under the rug and treated as if nothing happened.  Never once was it discussed out in the open where all persons could share their side and their feelings.

No, instead, at family functions, we talk about the weather and dead people (relatives and friends who have passed on).  Some members of the family drink to excess to cope, others leave at the first opportunity, some of the smart ones don't show up and I've learned to take a Xanax before any family function the past few years.

My father and my brother HATE conflict.  So we dont' have conflict.  Period.  I am 39 years old and every time there has been a conflict I have wanted dealt with, I have been told to SHUT UP to keep the "peace."

This week it happened once again.

Well, you know what?  I'm done.  I'm no longer going to keep quiet so that those people don't have to deal with the giant elephant that stands in the middle of every room my family gathers in.  I'm sick and tired of it.

I married into a large Italian family.  Italians are a loud, passionate people.  My husband's family loves each other fiercely and they fight with each other fiercely.  But you know what?  There's nothing "unsaid" when they get together.  Instead, it's REAL people sharing time together with the good, the bad and the ugly.

My family gatherings are milk toast in comparison.

In my husband's family, they are there for each other, in each other's lives and they give a damn what happens to each other.  Not in mine.  We come together once or twice a year, a bunch of related strangers and we share a meal and few forced hours of pleasantries.  Gag.

I've thought frequently over the past few years of getting my feelings out there in written form.  My written form of choice is blogging which of course puts it out on the Internet for all to see.  That fact has stopped me.  Until now.  I feel a pull to start blogging about all of this and the shit that has gone down.  Right now, though, I'm now sure if I will keep it here on this blog or move it to my private, confidential blog.  We will see.

I love both my brother and my father dearly and they are not the ones who treat me like I'm a pariah.  But they are some of the ones who want me to just shut up and take it.  Again, I love both of you, but for my own mental and physical health, I can no longer remain silent.

More of the story to come (probably...) but right now I'm going to so see a movie with the best husband in the whole wide world.  It's hot today and the movie theater is air conditioned.  Then later tonight we will go down to the festival that's going on in our small town and share some carnival junk food and a great fireworks show with a large gathering of our good friends.  And not a single person that I'm physically related to will be there.  :)