Mommy Issues

So I've been blogging on and off for about five years now. I've deleted all my posts on this blog and started over several times through those five years, always after a long period of not adding to the blog. During all that time, my blog posts have been mostly political in nature with some incidental humorous items from my life thrown in here and there. But it's always been of a shallow nature in that I've never written (and actually posted) anything that came from deep within me. I guess you could say I've kept the blog world at a distance, unsure about getting too close.

I follow many blogs, using Google Reader, and although many of them are of political topics, several are written by relatives and friends and are quite personal. In writing their blogs, these people have invited me into their lives and I get to know them on a much deeper level. I read about their fears, their loves, their hates, their adventures, their misadventures, their regrets, their hopes, their prayers, their triumphs and their failures. I love these blogs and get excited and anxious to read them when my Reader shows a new post from one of them.

So recently I've come to realize... if they can put themselves out there so-to-speak, why can't I? What is stopping me? Am I afraid they will judge me? Dislike me? Be disgusted by me? Pity me? Yes, I suppose I am afraid of all of those. But I don't judge, dislike, feel disgusted by, or pity any of the people whose blogs I read, even if I don't always agree with what they have to say. I still appreciate their thoughts and feelings and reading about the happenings in their lives.

This issue has been rattling about the back of my head for many months now. Often I've wanted to just start writing and see what happens but I was still afraid to actually start with the fear that I would not have the courage to actually post it.

Then tonight I heard something in a tv show that stopped me cold.

After I finished up work this evening and took a nice, hot bubble bath, I crawled into bed with my cat and two border collies and the four of us looked for one of the shows I record on the DVR to watch. Last week's Private Practice was on there so that's what we put on. Luckily the cat and border collies are not too picky about what we watch and are quite happy to let me pick out the shows.

Being the soap-opera-like show that it is, one of the current plot lines has Addison all twisted up. She thinks she's in love with Sam, who used to be married to Naomi, who is Addison's best friend. So in the course of trying to get over Sam, Addison starts sleeping with Pete who has an infant son named Lucas. Pete claims to be in love with Violet who is Lucas' mother but who has given the custody of Lucas to Pete. So Pete and Addison are, in theory, just sleeping with each other to get their minds off the other people they think they are in love with but cannot have. But it is obvious that Pete and Addison are developing something deeper than sex. And Addison is afraid to get too close to Pete as she cannot have children and is frightened of bonding with baby Lucas for fear if they break up she will be left devastated. So, yes, a typical soap-opera mess.

Addison finds herself sharing an elevator with Sheldon, who is the resident nerdy Psychiatrist. Addison proceeds to spill out her guts to Sheldon and demands an off-the-cuff psycho analysis of her problem and what she should do. Sheldon points out to Addison that she is still reeling from her mother's recent admission to being a lesbian and she never really got the chance to bond with her mother. That coupled with her own feelings regarding her infertility results in the current emotional state that Addison finds herself in. Sheldon wraps it up quite nicely for her.

Sheldon: "A few months ago you found out that your mother was living a secret life, hiding her sexuality from you. And because she was guarding this secret, you feel like you never really knew or bonded with her."

Addison: "What's that got to do with my feelings for Pete, the baby and Sam?"

Sheldon: "Well, you might be harboring feelings about connecting with the child as that causes you to place yourself in a maternal role which could be raising feelings of rejection for you. As well you likely project Pete into the role of your father, Sam into the role of a forbidden connection which confuses your feelings for either man. It becomes hard to see past the deep rooted psycho-sexual implications of what you are going through."

Addison: "What?"

Sheldon: "You have Mommy issues."

Addison: "What do I do?"

Sheldon: "Well, since I know you're not going to come to my office and since I now know I don't like being trapped between floors with tall redheads, I'd say...um"

Addison: "What?!"

Sheldon: "You see the problem and that's half the battle. It's up to you to choose. To make the right choices. To attempt to be happy, to be loved, to be whole. Without drama, without hurting anyone."

Addison: "Yeah, but how do I do that?"

Sheldon: "Addison, I'm telling you, it's time to grow the hell up! Okay?"

Ugh. Mommy issues. Holding people at bay. Not letting them get close. Grow the hell up. Ugh. Like looking in a mirror.

Not in regards to Addison's romantic conflicts. That issue of my life, thank God, is just fine. I thoroughly love my husband and know that he loves me back. But I hold other people at a distance, afraid to get close.

I've been hurt, really, really hurt by family members who I was supposed to be able to trust. Completely stabbed in the back and abandoned. And Mommy issues? Oh boy, do I have 'em. BIG ones. And perhaps it's time I start opening up to others about my issues and invite them into my head and my heart. There is no solution to the Mommy Issues I have but perhaps by sharing my feelings, hurts and triumphs, I can be farther along the path of Growing the Hell Up.

~kate