There, I've said it.
I HATE it. And no, it's not because I haven't been able to become a mother either through childbirth or adoption. It is because my mother hates me.
I'm not being dramatic. She really does. She proved it last year with a package she sent me right before my birthday.
I love my mom.
I miss her. Every day.
I think about her. Every day.
I pray for her. Almost every day.
I hope she is safe.
I hope she is healthy.
I hope she is warm when it is cold outside and she is able to stay cool during the heat of summer.
I hope she is not lonely.
I hope she is happy.
I used to hope she would one day be part of my life but over the past year I have had to give up on that hope. I have a lot of "hopes" in my life but that one is dead.
The hope is gone but the ache and pain remain. An every day reminder of what will never be.
My heart hurts every single day when I think about my mom and I so wish I could put her out of my mind but the thoughts persist. Every day.
Over the past six years, certain
I want nothing to do with them. Nothing.
I feel God telling me that it is time to move away. Away from the people who don't care about me. Away from the rumors. Away from the gossip. Away from the threats.
So the husband and I have been talking about moving out of state. I've lived in Oregon my entire life but except for my father and step mother, I really feel there is nothing here for me any longer.
I know that moving away will not cure the pain. It will not repair the relationship with my mother. It will not change the relationship I have with any of my relatives. But for some reason, I feel that it may hurt just a little less if I know that I am at least a day's drive if not an airplane trip away from them instead of the 45 minute-2 hour drive that I am from most of them now. I certainly wouldn't see them any less than I do now.
So I want to fly. Far, far away. With my husband, and my dogs, and my cats. Just us. No rumors. No gossip. No snide comments. No threats. Just us. Gone. Far, far away.
Of course there is a whole other side to this and that is my husband's family, most of whom are wonderful. We would miss them dearly so that is indeed a complication and is something my husband will have to be alright with before we go anywhere.
But for now I can dream of a place, far, far away. And maybe, just maybe, Mother's Day won't hurt so bad.